The Pledge of Allegiance

As the non-Tesla electric minivan ascended the enlightened roads of western Vermont, Delaney took a deep breath and clenched a dry-erase board and cruelty-free markers. This was only his first term as Director of the U.S. Department of Patriotic Oaths and Ballads, and Congress had already tasked him with changing the course of history.

Two years ago, he was the head researcher for a nonpartisan senatorial committee; today, as his carbon footprint tip-toed toward a sea of tinted glass and silicon, he found himself escorting three of the country’s leading liberal scholars. And Gene from marketing.

Forgoing the customary conference room in Washington, D.C., which one of the scholars deemed ‘insurrection-coded,’ Delaney successfully petitioned them to conduct their Think Tank over a gluten-free picnic amongst the renewable energy panels of the Wilson Fall Solar Farm.

“On behalf of the U.S. Government, I want to thank you for your service,” Delaney began, once the rather time-consuming investigation into which of the sandwiches were vegan versus vegetarian had concluded. “We have before us the historic and monumental task of making ‘The Pledge of Allegiance’ more inclusive.”

“About time,” the Professor of Intersectionality said as she added salsa to her macaroni salad.

“Let’s hope we don’t butcher it like they did the National Anthem,” added the Dean of Transformative Gender Studies.

Delaney’s predecessor found himself on the business end of a congressional hearing after allowing corporations to sponsor the revised lyrics.

“Rocket’s Red Glare-fryer is a damn good product,” Gene asserted, “but Star Spangled Bang Bus was a little too far, I’ll admit it. That one was on me.”

“Okay, let’s get started,” Delaney readied a felt tip on white melamine. “I pledge—”

“‘Pledge’ is a little aggressive, isn’t it?” said the sixteen-year-old PhD candidate receiving her Doctorate in 21st Century Anthropology. “I’m getting stalker vibes. It should be something less committal, like ‘follow’ or ‘subscribe.’”

“And the word ‘allegiance’ is triggering for me.” Ms. Intersectionality’s pierced lips were agape. “I’m just gonna say it. Sounds racist. Sounds like slavery.”

“Does it?” Delaney furrowed his brow.

“The most glaring problem—and I’m shocked and appalled no one has called this out yet—” said the Dean, “is that there is absolutely no mention of Palestine.”

The other scholars nodded in agreement.

Delaney scribbled the revisions. “I like and subscribe to the flag—”

“Flags are just culturally augmented symbols of visual oppression,” the teen said confidently. “Americans are about speaking their truth and staying on brand, ya know?”

Delaney loosened his tie. “I like and subscribe to the brand of the United States of—”

“Do you know that Hispanic women are the fastest-growing demographic in this country? They will be the majority by 2050, yet the Spanish language is grossly underrepresented here,” added Ms. Intersectionality.

“I like and subscribe to the brand of Los Estados Unidos.”

“And Palestine,” the Dean reminded.

“I like and subscribe to the brand of Los Estados Unidos—and Palestine—and to the republic for which it stands.”

The Dean scoffed. “Republic? Just ask the Pequot, Wampanoag, and Powhatan peoples what kind of voting power they had when their land was robbed and their tribes were being colonized.”

“And, ummm, I’m just gonna say it.” Ms. Intersectionality donned a smug posture. “The word ‘stand’ is ableist.”

Delaney’s suit jacket was soaked in sweat from sitting in the unobstructed sunlight, and his nerves were succumbing to agitation. “Does ‘reside’ work?”

“Yeah…if you want to ignore the unhoused community any more than this country already has for the past thirteen decades.”

“Fuck me. ‘Is.’ We’ll just say ‘is.’” Delaney ran his fingers across his eyebrows and tapped his temples. “Okay. I like and subscribe to the brand of Los Estados Unidos—and Palestine—and to the stolen land of the various Indigenous peoples on which it is. One nation under God—”

“I take issue with the pronoun ‘it.’ It’s dehumanizing. This country isn’t a thing. It’s made up of people. People with a variety of genders.” The teen snatched a marker and began drawing parallel spectra in neutral colors. 

“Let’s just avoid pronouns altogether, yeah?” Delaney said, erasing as fast as the scholar drew.

“Just throwing this out there,” Gene pushed the thick air with his palms, “maybe ‘nation’ can be a little plug for Nationwide Auto Insurance. The rev-share deals are phenomenal.”

“No, Gene. No promotions.”

“This idea of national monogamy seems insensitive to the polyamorous community.” Ms. Intersectionality said as she adjusted her blue bangs. “For instance, I love America, but I also love Australia…and that other one next to it.”

“Not to mention its biased reliance on monotheism,” said the Dean. “We should make it ‘gods’ plural.

“That would be insensitive to the Jews, though,” added the teen. “Never a good look.”

The smell of chicken permeated the air as anger reddened the scholars’ faces.

Delaney followed his nostrils to the small device Gene had plugged into one of the solar panels. “Gene, did you bring a Rocket’s Red Glare-fryer?”

“Yeah, it’s their new WMD model. Weapons of Mass Deliciousness: the air fryer that fits in your pocket.”

Arguments erupted around the ethics of meat-based eating, corporate greed, if America was ever great, and numerous nonsequiturs that made Delaney’s head spin.

“Enough! Everyone, write down your opinions—silently—and hand your papers to me. I will put it all together, and we can use that as a starting point. Got it?”

After a few moments, Delaney read the newest iteration: “I like and subscribe, non-monogamously, to the brand of Los Estados Unidos—and Palestine—and to the stolen land of the various Indigenous peoples on which Los Estados Unidos—and Palestine—is, a consensual collaboration of individual identities under Abrahamic and non-Abrahamic deities, or lack thereof, with Liberty Mutual Insurance, which can save you up to 12%* when you bundle home and auto, and justice for all.”

“Justice for all?” the scholars screamed in unison.

Delaney kicked the whiteboard over and handed in his resignation.